Where is my Pond?
(tw: social anxiety, feelings of rejection)
It might feel like a silly metaphor, but a surprisingly good one, nonetheless. Do you know the story of the ugly duckling? The baby swan who thought it was a duck, and was rejected by all the ducks in the pond for being different and “ugly”, until he grew up to be a beautiful swan and went to live with other swans at the swan pond?
I think on some level we’re all looking for the pond(s) where we belong, where we are accepted and can thrive and find fulfillment. My therapist asked me to think about this story. I’m still deeply affected by the social trauma I experienced growing up. I lack self-confidence and constantly fear that rejection is round the corner, even when reality shows me it’s not time and time again. Even when I have managed to surround myself with genuinely incredible and supportive people. Part of me is scared that I don’t fit in, and I never will, that at the first misstep the whole charade will topple over and I’ll feel alone.
I try not to show it in professional settings, but I’m more comfortable when I can be openly vulnerable instead of masking all the time. The anxiety I feel can make even the most enjoyable things become gruesome and dreadful. I have the opportunity to study and research the things I’m most passionate about – games & media from a humanities perspective – yet I become unable to enjoy it when I worry that my work is not gonna be up to par, that I’m gonna embarrass myself in front of everyone, that I won’t feel like I belong to this academic community, that others will think i have nothing of value to share.
What happens when the ugly duckling finds its pond with all the other swans, but it is so profoundly traumatized it doesn’t allow himself to believe he’s found home? He wonders if maybe he's not a swan after all, but an all together different bird. What if he’s so scared that when he opens his mouth, the other swans will know and say he was just a duck all along and needs to find another pond. How sad if he never allows himself to experience joy and community because he’s so scared of these ghosts that assail him. He is where he belongs, he should be happy, and he can’t enjoy it.