The power of a walk
I’m often preoccupied. I worry that I need to figure things out so I don’t have to worry about them later. But that keeps my sympathetic response active. I have a hard time just enjoying the present and not feeling anxious about what I have to do. Even when I don’t have responsibilities, I work to optimize my time amongst work, hobby, personal projects and even socializing. I need to find the sense in what I’m doing, or I get restless and anxious. Even doing nothing needs to fit into a structure where it makes sense to do nothing.
Yet somehow, on Sunday, feeling a bit directionless about what to do with my time and remembering that I wanted it to be a day for myself and not for work, I spontaneously grabbed my hoodie, my headphones and went out for a walk. I wanted to read a novel, review some game rules, play a game, draw, there were so many things I was thinking I could do with my time, but instead of figuring out I just thought “I’ve been in here for a long time so I’ll just go out for a bit”, and gosh was it the right choice. It even feels wrong to call it the “right choice”, because it somehow implies it was the correct use of my time, but really what I mean is it made me happy.
Going for a walk is usually helpful for people; it reduces stress, distracts the mind, lets you breathe fresh air. But here, something more than just a mindful walk happened. I felt allowed to just be myself and not worry about anything. Bobbing my head to beautiful music, sitting at a random step or bench, turning around corners I’ve never turned before, enjoying the freshness of the weather. I felt as relaxed as I hadn’t felt in years. I felt carefree. The constant worrying about worrying about things was gone and I felt authentically in the moment.
I asked myself, do people usually feel like this? It feels strange, not to be constantly torturing myself with a sort of latent guilt that time is going by and I should be doing more things. With a sort of anxiety of how to perform for others. With a sort of confusion about what I’m “meant” to be doing right now.
Coming back home I began drawing in my notebook. I’m practicing isometric maps and I usually approach it analytically and I’m scared that my skills aren’t good enough, I try to work from reference to practice until I feel more capable. Yet somehow that day I allowed myself to go off the top of my head, not caring about how good it was. And I had so much fun with it. I didn’t think about it twice, I just felt like it and went with it and delighted in exploring without caring if I messed it up.
I’m not 100% sure of what clicked so well for me that day. But I know for sure that I want more of that in my life. I want more of allowing myself to just live without having to optimize my existence. To just enjoy existing without feeling somethings wrong. To just be in the present without worrying that I’m gonna fuck something up later if I don’t worry about it now.